Scenes from a Carolinian Apocalypse
by ShirouHokuto
Summary: Chapel Hill is the worst place to hold an Apocalypse ever.


**Author's Note:** _Just an irresistable bit of goofiness. XD No Kamuis were harmed in the making of this fic._

* * *

The man in sunglasses looked out across a vista of tabletop umbrellas and flat roofs and sighed, feeling obscurely disappointed.

"There should be skyscrapers," he said.

The other man in sunglasses took a bite of ice cream and said, "Sorry. It's the zoning regulations, you know. Nothing over three or four stories..."

"I know, I know," the Sakurazukamori said. "But it's not going to be very impressive, knocking down buildings that don't even need elevators."

"There's the campus dorms," "Kamui" suggested. "They're sort of tall..."

"Eventually," said Seishirou. "But still - not very apocalyptic."

"Kamui" looked at the green-and-white umbrellas, each one with "Top of the Hill" around the edges, and considered setting them all on fire before dismissing the thought and saying, "We could always go to Raleigh -"

"Have you _seen_ I-40 in the mornings?"

"Kamui" hadn't, but he had heard the stories and the "Margaritaville" parody on the radio once before his - decision. He leaned out and kicked an umbrella over onto a waitress, smiling beatifically, and said, "Well, there are - compensations."

Seishirou looked at him over the top of his sunglasses, a look which "Kamui" noted as being even more impressive with the one missing eye, and said, "Such as?"

"Kamui" held out the half-eaten cone and said, "A Ben and Jerry's right around the corner from a sushi place?"

"I'm not sure that really compensates for the lack of skyscrapers," the Sakurazukamori said, but he took the cone anyway; no sense wasting good Phish Food...

* * *

"- and your German class is in T-2. Any questions?"

"Um," Kamui said. "I don't see a building T on the map..." He didn't, no matter how he squinted at the little CHHS handbook.

"That's in the trailers," the school counselor said.

"... you have classes in _trailers_?"

The counselor gave him an icy look. "They've been converted into perfectly fine classrooms," she said. "Now, about the rules for going off-campus..."

* * *

Kamui had searched all over the rented house for the others before he found them in the last place he had expected: clustered around a TV turned to sports.

"Um," he started. "Shouldn't we be going out to protect the seals?"

"Can't! Duke game tonight," Sorata said cheerfully, and then yelled "FOUL! FOUL! DIDJA SEE THOSE ELBOWS?" at the screen with Yuzuriha.

"Duke game?" Kamui said, and took a closer look at the TV. "You're watching _college basketball _instead of protecting the entire _world_?"

Even Subaru was curled up in a chair watching intently; his contribution was a soft, "Haywood's looking pretty good - if he keeps this up..."

"Don't worry about it, hon," Karen said before Kamui could start shouting; somehow she had found a way to turn a normal sky-blue UNC sweatshirt into a Sensual Top of Smoldering Desire and Tarheel Spirit. "The other side's not goin' out tonight either - they'll all be watching the game, I know it." She smiled, snuck a blue cap on his head, and said, "Lighten up, sweetie, it's March Madness time!"

Kamui made one more attempt. "What about Hinoto? Hasn't she sent any messages or - anything?"

There was a deep and embarrassed silence before Arashi said, "I think Souhi and Hien were going to take a radio and keep her filled in on the score..."

"GO OWENS! GO OWENS GET IT IN GET IT IN!" Yuzuriha, Sorata, and Aoki all screamed at once.

Kamui groaned.

* * *

"DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE! DE-FENSE!" Yuuto yelled, earning a dual filthy look from Satsuki and the Beast. "COME ON, BLOCK THAT BASTARD - awwwww, damn!"

"Did he walk?" Seishirou asked. "I think that shooter walked, it doesn't count..."

"He didn't walk," Kanoe said gloomily, "it's going to count. Come on, Duke, get it together!"

"De-fense, de-fense," Kusanagi said half-heartedly, and fingered the little Rameses keychain Yuzuriha had given to him the last they'd met.

"Kamui" turned up the volume to cover the sound of Kakyou's respirator, and said, "Who wants to go get pizza from Pepper's at halftime?"

* * *

"Wait, say that again?" Kamui said.

Arashi swatted Sora's hands away from her own and said, "We thought that the Dean Dome would be a good spot to face the other 'Kamui.' Lots of room, and now that basketball season's over it should be empty..."

"I am not fighting Fuuma in a _basketball stadium_!"

Aoki looked thoughtful. "On the other hand, if it gets damaged, there'll probably be a tuition hike..."

Sorata gave a heartfelt moan, and Karen made her cutest concerned face. "That really will be a problem, then," she said, "poor Kamui's barely got enough to cover the first year of college as it is - we'll have to find another site!"

"I can't face it!" Sora cried dramatically. "They hiked tuition _last_ year - it'll be impossible by the time I get there..."

"It's nice that you're all thinking as if we have futures," Kamui didn't say, but he thought it very, very hard before actually saying, "Let's just find someplace besides the Dean Dome."

"Where else would be good, though?" Karen wondered.

"Someplace - tall," Kamui said. "Like a tower?"

"Sorry," Aoki said. "Zoning regulations."

* * *

The less said about Yuuto's attempt to entertain Satsuki by taking her to a concert at Cat's Cradle, the better, although he later admitted that he had found Beast's jealous pyrotechnic display with the lights during the band's overwrought performance highly amusing, and at least there was the VisArt next door to rent porn from.

* * *

Sorata had been singing the praises of Carolina barbecue all year, promising that when the weather warmed up he'd treat them all to a proper meal.

As Kamui stared in horror at the picked-over pig carcass in the giant black metal can, he couldn't help but think that it was some kind of practical joke, and any minute now Sora would reveal the _real_ food. Everyone else seemed unaffected, however; they were chattering away over plates of shredded meat and fried dough as if there were no Apocalypse to come, and no mutilated animal corpse in the midst of their gathering.

Kamui edged towards Subaru and asked, "Is this really barbecue?"

Subaru shrugged and said quietly, "Actually, it's a pig-picking, but it tastes the same. Aren't you going to try any?"

"I'm - not really hungry," Kamui said, watching Yuzuriha steal hush puppies from Sora's plate while Sora snuck bits of pork from Arashi. "Are we going to check on the seals later? With the basketball and all, we haven't since March..."

Subaru shrugged, and drifted towards the porcine corpse; Kamui looked away and thought about becoming a vegetarian, and noticed that even Hinoto had come to the barbecue. Souhi and Hien had stretched a blanket out on the grass for her, where she sat in sartorial splendor and got sauce on her sleeves and appeared to have not a care in the world.

Kamui thought,_ Chapel Hill is the worst place to hold an Apocalypse _ever.


End file.
